Update

Havent blogged in a while, so heres an update of whats been going on.

My ex, the one I was just starting to trust again, the one who admittidley I still had feelings for, asked me to be in a relationship with him again.
This was on Sunday.
I told him I needed to think, as I didnt want to be getting myself into something that was going to hurt me, he said this was fine and we carried on being friends as normal.
Two days later, on the Tuesday, I get a text from a friend, asking if I used to be involved with him. I replied yes, and then she went on to tell me that he was 'getting on' her friend. A friend who I also knew.
Out of curiosity I texted the girl to ask what had been going on, just to find out that she had been at his house that day- What they were doing I didnt want to know.
When asked, he admitted to this, but went on to blame me for 'Taking to long to answer' and 'Even though he still loved me he wasnt going to wait around forever.'
Im not sure what anyone else thinks, But im pretty sure two days is not forever.
 Anyway, I havent spoken to him since and things have been pretty grim, but they're starting to look up!

It was christmas yesterday and I got some pretty sick things, including One Direction, McFly, Olly Murs and All Time Low tickets! And im off today to spend time with the extended family, cousins etc.
I've realised that I need my friends more than anything, and I've realised how lucky I am to have my bestfriend, one of the only people that will probably read this, Sam, Thankyou for everything, youre amazing.

'I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you.'

fucked it.

How can one person expect me to feel the same way about him if he hasnt even asked me..

I have just lost one of my bestfriends.
This friend, he was brilliant, he was trustworthy, caring and a great lad, and now I've lost him, all because I didn't feel the same way.
Yes, he told me he liked me. He'd told me this before, we'd always worked through it, but im pretty sure this time he's had enough, and I dont blame him.
Now everythings my fault, I'm the one that ruined our friendship and I'm the one thats got to live with that, but he cant expect me to feel the same way, when he never asked how I felt in the first place.

I'm gutted to say the least, but the only good that I can possibly see coming out of this, is that now he can move on and find someone that truly deserves him, and I'm not hurting him weeks into a relationship.
I just hope he can see it that way.

I'll update when we've spoken..

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.
- Astrid Alauda

Rant.

I have come to the conclusion that the only person that will ever understand how I feel is myself.
I'm going to try and put into words how I fell, so if anyone reads this, I apologise.

I feel like I'm constantly in a whir wind of emotions that I'm feeling, or that people expect me to feel.
At school I act happy and cheerful and tell everyone that I'm fine, even though every time I see him all I want to do is cry. Im terrified of how people will react if they find out how i feel about him, which is why I keep it bottled up, and I know that one day I'm just going to break. On days that I do snap, I feel guilty for ranting to people, mostly to Sam, but he's the person that's closest to understanding how I feel.
After a day of pretending to be happy at school, I come home, just to sit and watch him comment on things on facebook, tweet, and wonder how I can text him without annoying him, endlessly trying to think of things that would start conversation.
Then I end up thinking of how we used to be, how things used to be so different, and how he used to care. Even writing this makes me want to cry. I feel like Noone understands me, there's Noone I can tell because everyone will tell me I'm wrong for feeling how I do, when all I'm looking for is for someone to tell me that's it's okay to feel like this.
I hate that I'm not over him, and I hate that he doesn't seem to care about talking to me like I care about talking to him.

I needed to get it out of my system, I apologise.

Little Thankyou

Needless to say, I'm in a pretty shit mood.
I will never understand why people, mainly girls, feel the need to be so bitchy, two faced, and fake.

Im no angel. Everyone is sure to bitch at some point in their life, and I am definitely a culprit of this, but there's a difference between sharing almost an opinion once in a while, and downright, full on, bitching.

As a result of this bitchiness, I have 5 people in my life that I can fully trust and I'm not afraid to share who they are. My mum, My sister, Sam, Jaynaa, and Libby.

These 5 people are the only people who have been there for me 100% when I needed them, and always managed to pick me up when I was sad. For that I am eternally grateful.

I know there's probably only one of them that will actually read this as it's a private blog, and they know who they are, so I'd just like to thank them for everything they've done for me, even when they havent been feeling brilliant themselves, I love you xxxxx

The feeling of frustration.

Frustration is possibly one of the worst feeling that anyone could ever experience.
Not knowing how you're supposed to feel or how other people expect you to feel, how other people are going to react to the things you say or whether you're saying the right things to the right people.

This is how I've been feeling for the past 2 months.
Since the start of September, everything's been a bit of a whirl-wind, everything happening at once and then nothing happening at all.
Of course, the main cause of this, is boys.
Things didn't work in my last relationship which ended in early September.
The break up was messy, and people got involved where it was unnecessary, but two months on, we're eventually on good terms.
There's been another boy since then, nothing happened but he meant a lot to me. He's happy with another girl now and i'm happy for him, so the only thing to do was to move on, which is what I did, to the best of my ability.

The frustration continues, as few days ago I received texts that really made me think about how much a valued my ex.
He's an amazing boy, and im truly sorry things ended the way they did, because I honestly believe it could have been something very special.
Now im stuck with the grim reality of having feelings for someone that I don't really want to have, not now anyway. The only up side of this is that he seems to feel the same way, or so said his 'drunken texts'.

'Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success.'

 - Bo Bennet