News!

A lot has changed in a few weeks.


The guy I spoke about in the other post? We're together now and its amazing! We go to different schools so I don't get to see him often, but that means we actually make the effort, and when we do see eachother its even more special!
The only downside is that his bestfriend is the one person in the world that I have an actual hatred for, and he feels the same about me.

Anyway, my birthday was on Saturday and it was amazing! Got to spend the day with Maddy+Caitlin and then a few of my closest friends came round at the nightime for a party, was brilliant!
And I'm going to New York on Thursday! Excitement isnt the word!


Will post again soon xx

 "To be loved, and to have loved, is to live life to the fullest."

- William Blake

Lonely

I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.
I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.

But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely.
The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad.
I just need someone who won’t run away.

Mixed Emotion.

Is it possible to have genuine human feelings for someone you've never met?

Currently feeling like I'm stuck in the middle of what my head is telling me and what my heart thinks.

Believe it or not, I've met someone.

This is a risky post to write, as at this moment nothing is going on, but there's potential.

Me and this boy talk 24/7, we have a laugh, and I feel like I can trust him enough to talk about anything with, this, of course, is all over phone conversations and Facebook inboxes.

Some people may say this is stupid or childish, but isn't this how most relationships start these days?

Anyway, recently we've been discussing the topic of love a lot, what we both think it means to be in love and how to go about telling the other party how you feel, and it has come to my attention that I may have some genuine feelings towards him.

I don't know how this could end, so another post may follow.

“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.”

-  David Borenstein

 

Smile

You know what, Things are starting to look up.

I love being happy.
Many people that know me, the real me, will think that I am not normally happy, as i normally have some kind of drama going on in my life and theyre right, i do. But recently, I've realised theres just some things that are more important than drama.

Alot has happened, my ex got in contact with me last night and apologised for the incident which I mentioned in my last post. This was a shock to me, and an even bigger shock to find out that he was actually dating the said girl for a few weeks, until they broke up last week.
We spoke, I told him how angry I was with him, but I was strong enough to knock him down when he tried to have a heart-to-heart.
It hurt, because there was nothing more that I wanted than to get into deep conversation with him, about anything, like we used to. But I refuse to let him fuck me over again.
I still have feelings for him, and there will always be things that remind me of him, but im 14 and I must move on.

Talking about being 14, ITS NEARLY MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
5 weeks today may I add, and I have a super sweet party lined up, but i'll get to that closer the time.
Also, I WENT TO ONE DIRECTION ON WEDNESDAY.
I didnt realise anyone could be so perfect, I mean! -

This made me so happy, Louis Tomlinson is sososoososososo gorgeous!

Also, All Time Low is in 20 days!!

Anyway, I feel I have rambled on to no-one for too long now, will post again soon!xo

'We all live in the gutter but some of us are looking up at the stars.' 

-Oscar Wilde

Update

Havent blogged in a while, so heres an update of whats been going on.

My ex, the one I was just starting to trust again, the one who admittidley I still had feelings for, asked me to be in a relationship with him again.
This was on Sunday.
I told him I needed to think, as I didnt want to be getting myself into something that was going to hurt me, he said this was fine and we carried on being friends as normal.
Two days later, on the Tuesday, I get a text from a friend, asking if I used to be involved with him. I replied yes, and then she went on to tell me that he was 'getting on' her friend. A friend who I also knew.
Out of curiosity I texted the girl to ask what had been going on, just to find out that she had been at his house that day- What they were doing I didnt want to know.
When asked, he admitted to this, but went on to blame me for 'Taking to long to answer' and 'Even though he still loved me he wasnt going to wait around forever.'
Im not sure what anyone else thinks, But im pretty sure two days is not forever.
 Anyway, I havent spoken to him since and things have been pretty grim, but they're starting to look up!

It was christmas yesterday and I got some pretty sick things, including One Direction, McFly, Olly Murs and All Time Low tickets! And im off today to spend time with the extended family, cousins etc.
I've realised that I need my friends more than anything, and I've realised how lucky I am to have my bestfriend, one of the only people that will probably read this, Sam, Thankyou for everything, youre amazing.

'I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you.'

fucked it.

How can one person expect me to feel the same way about him if he hasnt even asked me..

I have just lost one of my bestfriends.
This friend, he was brilliant, he was trustworthy, caring and a great lad, and now I've lost him, all because I didn't feel the same way.
Yes, he told me he liked me. He'd told me this before, we'd always worked through it, but im pretty sure this time he's had enough, and I dont blame him.
Now everythings my fault, I'm the one that ruined our friendship and I'm the one thats got to live with that, but he cant expect me to feel the same way, when he never asked how I felt in the first place.

I'm gutted to say the least, but the only good that I can possibly see coming out of this, is that now he can move on and find someone that truly deserves him, and I'm not hurting him weeks into a relationship.
I just hope he can see it that way.

I'll update when we've spoken..

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.
- Astrid Alauda

Rant.

I have come to the conclusion that the only person that will ever understand how I feel is myself.
I'm going to try and put into words how I fell, so if anyone reads this, I apologise.

I feel like I'm constantly in a whir wind of emotions that I'm feeling, or that people expect me to feel.
At school I act happy and cheerful and tell everyone that I'm fine, even though every time I see him all I want to do is cry. Im terrified of how people will react if they find out how i feel about him, which is why I keep it bottled up, and I know that one day I'm just going to break. On days that I do snap, I feel guilty for ranting to people, mostly to Sam, but he's the person that's closest to understanding how I feel.
After a day of pretending to be happy at school, I come home, just to sit and watch him comment on things on facebook, tweet, and wonder how I can text him without annoying him, endlessly trying to think of things that would start conversation.
Then I end up thinking of how we used to be, how things used to be so different, and how he used to care. Even writing this makes me want to cry. I feel like Noone understands me, there's Noone I can tell because everyone will tell me I'm wrong for feeling how I do, when all I'm looking for is for someone to tell me that's it's okay to feel like this.
I hate that I'm not over him, and I hate that he doesn't seem to care about talking to me like I care about talking to him.

I needed to get it out of my system, I apologise.